Relationships. They can be messy.
What comes to mind when you hear the word relationships?
Intimacy.
Vulnerability.
Communication.
Love.
When I started university, I immediately realized how quirky I was. My self-esteem diminished in a prestigious business school where I was one out of 4 Black students in my year. My quirkness is most pronounced when I’m meeting people for the first time, or trying to introduce friends from different friend groups to one another. As time went on, I saw how much I craved community, I wanted new friends because I felt I left my high school friends or just didn't know how to maintain them anymore due to the new, but very similiar, seasons happening in our lives or maybe I wasn’t as close to my high school friends as I thought I was. As first year began to come to an end, I realized how I was so focused on school, and so my heart for community began to grow. I wanted a community to do life with.
I prayed to God to provide me with friends, which He did. However, in order to control things, I was so intentional with people (people I vibed or didn’t vibe with) and I wanted to quickly have “ride or dies”. Even with my big heart for community, I can only think of the hurt I’ve experienced with the ones I’ve been involved in. The same community I prayed for, I believe God used for my good.
A friend of mine said “you always want to become best friends with people so quickly”. I got offended quickly and didn’t know how to process this. After venting to God about this comment my friend made, I realized that I still have some hurt relating to past relationships; such as friendships with girlfriends, sisters, parents, guy friends, and even with Jesus.
I agreed with this friend of mine on her statement but also corrected her by showing how I was yearning for community. I’ve gone out of my way to build relationships with people, even when it was uncomfortable. However, I don’t think this has been reciprocated in the same way I’d want (this is not to neglect the love my friends have for me and continue to show me). This has brought some not so fun thoughts — not funny enough, not cool enough, not “Canadian” enough, not chill enough, simply not being enough.
I think I crave community so much because I want to experience all those things (& more) listed at the very beginning of this post. I want to be vulnerable enough that people don’t judge me. I want to be so initmate that people can know exactly when I’m upset or in love or stressed out. I want to be great at communicating my feelings to people without the fear of them leaving me when I do. I want to love them faithfully and be loved back just the same. Maybe what I truly lack is seeing all that these qualities are eternally accessible in my relationship with God, but rather I search for these things in mere humans.
A book I barely read during this summer said, “Loved ones betray. Loved ones die. And sometimes, loved ones simply never show up”. I found comfort in this — that only God can love me so fully, but I was also so discouraged that the people around me will never always be there in the ways I expect them to be for me. Graciously, God also pointed out that I, too, will never show up for people, or fully love them.
I’m also a huge verbal processor and my thoughts move so fast like flies, so I apologize mid-way if I’ve drifted away from my original points.
Due to the hurt I’ve experienced with relationships in community, I’m in a season where I can’t be emotionally present. If you know me personally, you know how my love for quality time has increased, how I’m intentional with spending time with people, planning things out, and so on. However, now I don’t care. I don’t want to pursue people anymore. A new friend (a social worker, who is great with processing feelings) pointed this out to me. I may or may not be depressed. What I do know is that God is calling me to obey Him and continue to love and pursue people. I know I’m not being obedient and I’m not sure I care (I’d like to write more on my relationship with God moving forward).
I love people, but I also can’t escape the hurt that comes with nurturing a relationship with a human that’s inherently sinful. I want to remember that I, too, I’m not perfect and should not expect radical love from people. Now, I expect hurt, I don’t love too deeply anymore, I just keep surfaced level communications, neither do I strive to know more about people. I do still feel God tugging on my heart not to believe in the lie of enjoying isolation, and not being scared of messy relationships.
This was such a sappy post, but this is where I’m at, and I hope you can listen and understand. Here’s to penning my seasons & thoughts in order to remember how far God has brought me, and all the wonderful deeds He has done.
P.s. (watch me bail and never write again lol, also be gentle with me, I’ve never written anything like this before, or anything at all).
